Close Encounter of Another Kind.

May the one not suffocate the other and may the other not make the one go mad.  ..I am no expert on relationships but  I am in an on-going work-study program called MARRIAGE.

I experience a rainbow of emotions toward my husband on a daily basis.  These feelings range from the muddiest green also known as “shear contempt” to the purpliest pink (I know that’s not a word) called “uninhibited gratitude.”

We are two very different people.  For example, I think raw onions and garlic are one of the earth’s greatest treasures – my husband would strongly disagree.  Ketchup and Hershey’s chocolate syrup would most likely rank high on his list.  He’s organized, literal, logical (some might think sane.)  I’m creative, a believer, passionate, stubborn.  My friend describes my brain as spaghetti and his as a waffle.  Quite frankly, sometimes his waffle brain tries to stamp itself onto my spaghetti and then I’m left with little pieces of mushy noodle that don’t twirl properly on a fork.

A few weeks ago I was doodling in my sketch pad, absent-mindedly illustrating icons for each of my loved ones.  Jason got a tree trunk.  I don’t know which color or emotion I was feeling toward him that time of day, but I hit the nail on the head I think.  For me, I didn’t draw anything but if I had I would have drawn a vine wrapping around the tree trunk.  He’s the trunk and I am the vine.  In the end, we’d both end up in the same place – which is to not really end up at all but to be growing upward to the light.

Let’s pretend the tree trunk grows upward only when sunlight is directly overhead.  The trunk is logical, focused, only exerts energy (and 100% of it’s energy) when everything is in line and in focus.  The vine, on the other hand, grows and stretches and wraps around the trunk at all times, looking for the light because it believes it is there.  In “the end” although we know there really is no “end” (let’s say, at the time of measurement) the vine maybe traveled farther to stretch up and around and around the trunk, but the top most part of the vine would be on the same level with the top most part of the trunk.  The trunk and the vine are in the same place, they’re doing the same thing – they just approach the same goal differently.  Jason and I often find ourselves arguing over something only to realize (after a long discussion) we are feeling the same way, attempting to say the same things.  It’s only our ideas or, again, our approach that is different.

There are common occurrences that are funny when dissected but usually annoying at the time.  These illustrate the difference of approach.  For example, we are both hungry.  Jason may look into our fridge full of fresh produce and think, “There’s nothing to eat! ..No sandwich meat, no left-overs, nothing in a container.”  I take a look, and I’m like, “Wow, you’re lame!  We could make this and pair it with that, and, oh that could be tasty.”  That’s the literal brain verses the creative brain, I guess.

His solution would be to go out and get something when mine would be to chop and slice and dice and come up with some new recipe.  This could, however, have less to do with the fact that he’s a ‘see it and go for it’ kind of guy and more to do with the fact that he’s no chef.  Let’s just imagine for a second everything you can eat with Ketchup and Hershey’s syrup.. ok – stop, I’m done!

Here’s another example.  I look at the bank account and whether it’s full or not, I have the same reaction, “I believe that more money will continue to flow into the account.  I have faith.”  He logs onto the account and says, “Wow, you’re lame!  What is our plan, Mak?  There is an A, B and C to get more money in here.”  We both have the same goal, to keep feeding ourselves, to progress, to thrive.  We just approach it differently!  I believe and he makes a plan.

If the literal, logical brain doesn’t see it – well then, clearly it’s not there and you have to “go out and get it” – “make a plan!”  The creative brain (or mine anyway) just knows that it will all work out because it just will so I say, “don’t stress!”  When Jason tries to get me on board with his approach that’s when I feel the waffle stamping itself onto my spaghetti.  When this happens I feel like I’m suffocating, like I can no longer twirl, and he’s going mad because no matter how hard he tries, I’m not going to be a waffle.  Can you imagine putting mushy spaghetti noodles into a waffle iron?  It wouldn’t come out right.

We are who we are and we can learn from each other, balance each other out, but he’s never going to flow and be all organic and I’m not going to be a waffle – or a tree trunk.  In all fairness – without the waffle I would probably never do my taxes, my clothes would rot in a pile that travels back and forth from the bed to the top of the dresser depending on our need for sleep (who ever thought putting clothes inside the dresser would be appropriate,) and I would not consider things like ‘budget,’ ‘plan,’ and so forth.  I’m grateful for him because otherwise I think my spaghetti might get tangled up at times.  I might not continue to flow properly without a little bit of straightening out.  And what would the vine climb if it wasn’t for the sure-footed tree trunk, always there and always on course?  I make him crazy, I know!  But perhaps I free him and loosen him up a bit, as he keeps me on-track.  I know I’ve accomplished many things because of his influence and I do hope I’ve helped him experience life in a new way as well.

MARRIAGE is… a partnership, a bond, a friendship, a war, a safe haven, a school, a mystery, a love, a close encounter of another kind.  I believe that connecting your life with someone is to create momentum toward the same goals.  As you share your insight with each other based upon your own ideas and approach, you both grow, and the speed at which you’re traveling toward your goals accelerates at an exponential rate.  This can be true for any relationship be it friendship, business partner, or family, but I believe the most significant relationship in regards to growth and direction (or at least the relationship with the most influence) is marriage.  It’s important to first have similar goals or to be 100% supportive of each other’s goals – never once secretly hoping those goals will change (because you will be disappointed and they will feel betrayed.)  Second, be open to each other’s approach, respect the function and ideas of the other, learn from them.  Third, balance each other by remaining true to your form and function.  If one ever completely conforms to the other, the spinning motion of your union will become lop-sided and most goals will be missed completely.  It’s an interesting formula.

I know I become overly theoretical and perhaps that’s the spaghetti talking.  The waffle would put it differently I’m sure, but in the end (or at this moment of measurement) the waffle and the spaghetti would be saying the exact same thing.  Life is a journey and I’m glad to have my partner, a man of a very different kind, at my side.

May we not only ‘put up’ with each other, but may we celebrate each other in all our uniqueness, quirkiness and splendor.  May we grow toward the light together, yet however we please.  May we help refine each other’s approach. May we arrive together and watch each other all the way.

To MARRIAGE, a close encounter of another kind. And to Jason, “my partner in crime.”

(photo credit: Matt Blum Photography)

1. 

   Dana says:

   March 23, 2010 at 10:51 am

   This is a positive analogy about an institution that usually gets a bad rap these days.
2. 

   Brianna says:

   March 23, 2010 at 12:21 pm

   You are so insightful – love the look into your and Jason’s brain!
3. 

   Tammy says:

   March 23, 2010 at 3:53 pm

   Greg and I have had this conversation so many times before.He has been my rock for 35 years. We are celebrating our 30th anniv. this Sept! Our differences have helped each other grow.I know he has helped me to be more independent and assertive and I have helped him to see the gray not just the “black and white” of things.I’m glad I was there at your vows..it looks like you two are on your way to 30 years too!
4. 

   Dan says:

   March 23, 2010 at 4:31 pm

   Jason has a brain???
5. 

   MakieDoll says:

   March 25, 2010 at 5:26 am

   Thanks Tammy! Congratulations on 35 years – we will be following in your footsteps I’m so glad you were able to be at our wedding too – and you made my hair perfect!!

   ..and To Dan, yes – Jason has a brain (a pretty intelligent one at that

   Thanks Bri and Dana!